My dear friends,

If you read any of what I write, you know it comes from an inspiration that is beyond me. Tonight an idea crystallized in my mind as a result of attending a presentation intended to help show parents how our Catholic school is preparing our 12 year olds to receive the sacrament of Holy Confirmation.

While at the first presentation I was very much feeling …wow, the Holy Spirit is present tonight, I feel so like a child – open and listening and engaged…

The second presentation I was engaged more intellectually and not as aware of the Spirit.

However, an idea has formed that tells me the Holy Spirit was indeed hard at work in all of our hearts and minds… and I now need to find a way to chase this thread. I’m writing here primarily so I don’t lose the thought chain, so please forgive me if this is not as fluid or well organized as a post ought to be and it most certainly will require a lot of delving, diving, researching and learning to flesh out this thought…these ideas.

Backing up.

Several months ago I was gifted with a dream. In my dream I was in an arid climate, walking towards a stone building. I walked up the stairs, I can still hear and feel the pebbles beneath my feet, which were clothed in sandals. The walls were rough hewn – like a sandstone or yellowish-tinged limestone. I walked up a set of narrow stairs and through a small door and joined a group of men. In my dream, I don’t know who or what I was. I was not me, I was just… seeing and experiencing but through the eyes and hands of another.

The room wasn’t overly large, but there were many of us there. In my dream there was a man. Tall and darker skinned. There was a window that overlooked a town of similar buildings and a large kind of dirt road that ran through it. The ceiling had wooden beams holding it up, but it was a stone room, the floor sandy and rough. There were many tables, but one main one. I was there among friends who were more like family. We were there for Him. He was there to break bread with us.

That’s all I remember of the dream. Yet the sounds, the textures, the smells, are as real to me as any memory. Like all of my most intense dreams, I will remember that space the rest of my life.

Why, then?

I think to help prepare my mind for the next steps.

Tonight, I was read the parable of the vine, John 15.

I’ve read it before, years and years ago – my Bible has it underlined and highlighted. But it’s been at least 5 years since I read it in a faith study.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful…

Read the whole thing. I know I will read it again tonight. And again.

Because, here is what has come to me tonight.

• I feel called to write. But I don’t understand what. I truly don’t know what I have to offer that far more experienced and educated minds haven’t long since covered and continue to explore in ways far beyond me.
• For several years my brother and I have been uncovering our family history. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. Why is ‘Gabriel’ or ‘Gabrielle’ our generationally passed down first name? Why did my mother tell me that every generation of our family going back and back and back have both a Gabriel and a Maria in it? Our family name, though we were not ever Jewish, our family name IS Jewish (sorry, I can’t share here as that would identify my family). But a rarer one. Why?
• Every.Single.Member of my family related to me by blood going as far back as we can identify has been abused and traumatized. Yet, we are strong and resilient and caring and loving. I look at my mother and I see only inspiration; I hear the stories of my grandfather and I feel only pride and conviction. I learn about my grandmother and … while I don’t feel shame, I wonder at her hurtful choices and wonder why she lived the life she did? and so it goes, back and back and back.
• For sometime I have pondered the idea of writing a book, but it feels prideful to make my own family the central theme…yet I find their histories so fascinating and so intertwined and confusing and mysterious – I just want to grasp that thread and follow it and follow it.
• But. What if there was a book of two stories. On one page is a story of families who have passed down their traumas, but also lived their rich rich tapestry of life. On the other is an exploration of how inter generational trauma (which science has concretely proven directly that many traumas directly impact our DNA and are passed genetically to our offspring, making addictions, abuses, and decisions somewhat systemic and predictable) can be directly correlated to what Jesus himself has told us about the vine and its branches.
• For, what if in his parable he was also being quite literal. Giving us a roadmap to something science is now only beginning to understand. In a single dinner, Jesus explains to us how the branches feed one another, how our fruits thrive based directly upon how well we absorb the nourishing soil of God; how well we understand His messages; how well we love one another and Him?
• To inflict trauma on another through wars, rapes, physical beatings, mental abuse would separate you from the Vine; but to survive trauma does not separate the survivor from the vine, but it damages the branch. It’s wounded, and its fruit maintain that wound. The branches the stem off the wounded branch are hurt and twisted. But, perhaps they only fully separate from the Vine to be burned once they begin to harm other branches, to inflict trauma onto others.
• I don’t know where I’m going with this yet. I need to ask questions, a lot of them. But I feel a truth bubbling up inside me, something is real here. There is a connection to be made.
• So – I’m leaving this here… I have children to put to bed… it’s late and been a very long, long week of stress and worry…and yet I feel a flame has been kindled. I pray that life and work and the daily grind do not lead me to forget that it’s here.

Prayers to you all. May God bless you and keep you. When you look upon your family tonight and at your next large gathering, I pray you visualize your own branch from the Vine and feel His presence and guiding hand.