Before I became a Catholic, I had never pondered ‘saints’. Historical people, canonized for their holiness, faithfulness and virtues. People who lived lives the rest of us are supposed to aspire to.

In the process of discernment, small faith studies, even general conversations with those leaders who were helping me find and fan the flames of the embers of faith that nestled deep in my core, most people spoke of saints they admired. Saints they prayed to. Every meeting began and ended with a prayer that also included a beseeching of a favored saint for that purpose that that revered individual would pray for us, also.

So … odd to me; though becoming a more dear and cherished practice, it’s far from instinctive or natural to me.

As I study and learn, I wonder a lot at the desire of modern Catholics to “be saintly” to “pursue holiness” on the quest for Heaven. I question a lot of things and probably drive many who help me reach ever deeper into myself to grow my faith, a little crazy with all of my questions. To me the argument of being good for the sake of Heaven is mysterious and odd. I struggle to sit and desire Heaven on a daily basis; I struggle to fear Hell and all that it implies.

I do not doubt their reality in any way. God has gifted me with dreams, and I know I have met my own biological father in Purgatory; a gift that I’m grateful to God to have been given, but equally puzzled by. I have met my closest childhood friend who reassured me of Heaven when I was quite small. So, the existence is not in question, but the pursuit of these goals to me seems… paradoxical.

Take humility. To truly be humble one does not actively seek it. If you pride yourself on your humility, then you are not humble. It’s a thing that one cannot seek for oneself, only something that perhaps others might think about you. We are called to be humble and to be meek, yet to believe oneself to have reached those seemingly simple achievements undermines the validity of the claim.

To my way of thinking, the same is true of holiness, saintliness. One cannot live ones life in pursuit of these things, however noble the goal. There are no number of prayers I can say, no number of people I can pray for, that would tick a box that says “yep, you’re on the path to holiness.”

If humans are the ones who bestow the term ‘saint’ onto a person after they have passed, then holiness is bestowed by God. So, to live a life striving to deserve the term … is noble, but it seems in a way to be very much pharisaic. Very much the opposite of what God wants of us.

I feel as though… if I can wake up each day and be thankful to God that the day has come for me yet again. If I can wake each day and strive to give to another person that which God has given to me – the realization of His very presence and activity in my life – then I have lived a good day. If I have helped, in any small measure, to ease the suffering or worries of another, then I have lived a good day. To sit in this life and tally the number of good days that I have lived for God is not necessary. God knows that tally better than I ever could; and by focusing on it I am tarnishing the glory of God that my own spirit might emanate for another to see and find.

To live a saintly or holy life then, is to intentionally not seek such a life. I’m not suggesting one pursue wickedness, far from it; I’m not suggesting an ascetic life, shunning all material gains in pursuit of meditating on the divine… I’m saying – we should live – truly live. We should love… and truly truly love. We should give – truly, and fully and without fear. When we see someone who does not know God, regardless of what faith or creed they follow, and regardless of how long they have followed God’s virtuous commandments and laws, we should pursue them. Not God. For in loving and supporting each other, God sees us and knows we seek to share the beauty of our own encounter with him.

When I see my children, I wish for them to know God as I know Him. When I see a man huddled, cold, on blankets, exposed to the elements and coming down from his high on drugs I pray … there but for the grace of God go I… and I pray he sees the sunrise and the sunset and finds joy in his life. When I see someone struggling, I should help them – not for God, but for the sake of humanity. For God loves US, and we should love US too. And for no other reason than love alone should we act in care for the other.

Not sure I’m making sense here – it’s a bit run on, and a very fluid mental flow right now…

If God calls us to Him, If we are blessed enough to not only encounter Him but understand that encounter and to then seek to further and deepen that relationship with Him, then we have an obligation to the rest of our Community to share that and help others grow their own embers into a fire of love for Him… to make that love viral. To make it spread.

Goodnight.