It’s late. It’s SO late. I have to be awake and smiling and making breakfasts and lunches in less than 7 hours from now. And yet, my mind is full and brimming with outrage, frustration, and anger. Once again, I find myself in the position of being forced to “prove” the truth.

How many hours in the past 3 years of my life have I spent on late nights carefully documenting; carefully researching my own history through emails, pictures, tax receipts, bank statements in order to prove the truth of my own existence?

I keep thinking… I’m free! I can just live! I have a house, a safe house, a lovely home, a place to keep us all safe… but the fight is ever ongoing. I’m no where near done with my ex. The liar. The slanderer. The slippery, slimy person who represents the underpinnings of my nightmares.

The thing with trying to leave a narcissist who is accustomed to having his lies and stories believed…is they don’t quit… ever! Even when you can produce reams of bank statements that factually prove your financial claims to support, they will deny – literally cross out clothing and food for their own children and claim you were being wasteful.

This is where trust comes in, for me at least. I’ve spent so many hours, days, and weeks of my life trying to prove myself not just to a man who made me feel less than dirt, but to the whole world who seems to believe him simply because he points to an expense that’s justifiable and says… “I want proof that was groceries and not something frivolous like makeup for herself” (thank God I’m a receipt keeper, note taker, and journal writer…).

I’m tired. And I’m wired.
My bones ache with weariness.
Yet my mind spins.

I desire peace. I want this all to cease.
There is only one truth.
Proof, unfortunately, costs my youth.

I have a thousand spreadsheets…
all prepared for a deadbeat
I once thought I loved, only to learn
I was really just a possession.

Sleep may not come tonight, as the stress eats away at me and my mind seeks insights
into the mind of another,
so that I can find another thread to cut.

Someday, I pray to God, this will all be behind me.
I pray for freedom. Strength. Perseverance. Love. Patience. Gentleness. Consistency. Security.
I pray for my children.
I pray for my family.
I pray for Grace

I pray for the ability to give back to all of those who have helped me survive this long.

I pray for tomorrow.