Happy Valentines day my lovelies. If you, like me, have spent decades navigating an emotionally (and physically) abusive relationship, today can be really. really. really hard.
Today is a day where, in full transparency, we (as humans, not women or men) are supposed to remember the sacrifices of St. Valentine (who was tortured and beheaded by the Romans cir. 269 a.d. for secretly marrying fighting-aged men to the women they loved)… and – er – either fall prey to the modern day commercial narrative of roses and chocolate and stuffies (all very nice) or spend time curled in the arms of our love watching some sappy rom-com while appreciating said flowers, chocolates or stuffies…
Let’s talk in full clarity what an internationally recognized day like Valentines day can mean for an individual who is even marginally experiencing an abusive relationship (no need to bother with the really, really clear cases on this special day)…
Valentines day is the day when you are expected to put out. After all, he bought you flowers. Or chocolates. Or jewellery. You have been wined-and-dined (if you’re lucky), or simply given an outfit you are expected to wear…if not as lucky… You are expected to now go don that sexy lingerie, apply heavy makeup, light the candles, and drink the wine. Put on a show. Be all that he imagines.
Imagine what happens when the above doesn’t go according to plan? What if you’re sick with the flu? What if you’re on your monthly? What if you have an honest-to-God-headache? What if you found out he is having an affair on the side and just aren’t in the mood that night? Well, for those of us who have been there, we know very well – the show must go on – even if your very bones ache with illness or if your skin crawls because he has refused to shower or clean himself up – even if it means a fist through a wall beside your head… today of all days, the show goes on.
BTW – this is not gender specific. Emotional manipulation knows zero boundaries. A controlling woman can use her powers of guilt and persuasion to cause a ton of emotional damage to a man or a partner, just as a man can a woman (or any human to any human). I happen to be a naturally born woman, who is Catholic, and who has navigated decades of putting my self aside in order to fit the narrative and expectations of my ex husband – so what I write is from my own experience of life… however, I am well aware that today, of all days, the worst of human behaviour is on display across the globe and there is no gender-defined role when it comes to manipulating your partner to get what you want…and how better to do so on a day when we’re socially and societally expected to display our love and affection for one another?
So – if you are one of those for whom today is triggering, as I am, to a near panic attack merely because some random guy who happens to speak to you in a similar pattern as your ex or in-laws did and it was all you could do not to dissolve into puddle and wish to be back home in Kansas again – please know that you… you are not alone.
I think that there should almost be another celebration day happening alongside Valentine’s day… My parents gave me ‘liberation earrings’ when my divorce was finalized. Beautiful blue opal teardrops so that I have something tangible to remind me just how much they cared and loved me even when I was hidden away in the home that was my prison and how happy they are to have me back in their lives in this present day.
Today should be a kind of liberation day for all of us who are kinds of survivors of those who would use a day like this to manipulate and hurt… – I’m not suggesting some national holiday – nothing on the calendar – but a quiet taking back of the Valentines day and let it become one of power and one of chosen love, which is what I believe St. Valentine would have wanted. Let those who have known someone who would abuse a day like today take it back and embrace it as a day of independence and strength; showing their own survival, showing their ability to choose love – real love that walks them through meltdowns and demands nothing at all, but is simply present and caring while the storms of the past march strongly through their minds in the present.
Today was really hard for me; where my children struggled, where I struggled, where I am still fighting my own reactions to the world at large. But I am choosing to take today back, and I am going to sit and enjoy some silly romance movie or book tonight and remind myself that, no matter my past, no matter what was done to me or expected of me on this day of the year, that I get to choose what happens today, for me. And I will be grateful to a man like St. Valentine who recognized that real and true love should be embraced and celebrated and he died for his faith, hope, and love of our God.
And so, I pray…
Oh Holy Father, Giver of all that is Good; I thank you for the precious gift that is life. I thank you for today’s beautiful clouds, and for the golden light that graced their edges. I thank you for the strength you have given me to go forward with purpose through this life, in spite of its trials and tribulations. I thank you for the gift of my children. I thank you for the food before me and the shelter that surrounds me. I thank you for the pains and hurts of my past so that I can more fully appreciate Your healing mercy, the goodness of the present and to be there to support others who have known a life similar to my own.
Lord, God, I thank you for the gift of St. Valentine; for teaching us that love has value beyond earthly needs and values. Lord, I pray that the love I experience here on this earth, from this day forward, be blessed by you and be worthy of your love. I pray for your protection of those whom I love and care for, and than any expression of love I give bestows a blessing on them.
In Jesus most holy name, Amen.
St. Valentine – pray for us all.