Psalms 23:5-6
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
About two weeks ago a guest pastor at our parish had us all do a great breathing exercise so we would be more open in our hearts and minds as we listened to the homily. I thoroughly enjoyed that brief calming of the mind so that, as one body, we – the community, could lean in and listen and appreciate.
If it’s not obvious yet by my images above, I’m having a day. A week. A month of, well, feeling like it’s all a little too much. It’s not just the activities, or being over scheduled, though there is definitely an argument that could be made about me simply being run off my feet by having too many things to do. But it’s not about the running around and keeping busy to the point of collapse. I have long found that when the activities I am doing suit the gifts of I have been given, I have boundless energy and I am able to go, and go, and go and never really feel tired, but I can sleep soundly at night feeling completely satisfied with all that was accomplished in that day. And when there are either tasks that completely drain me, or more often, toxic and challenging people for me to navigate, my exhaustion has nothing to do with my scheduling, and everything to do with the amount of mental energy I spend trying to find a way through the maze of human pride, anger, deception and greed.
However much I feel like my overflowing cup is pressing my weary figure deeper into the muck and grinding my already shell of a person into broken bits and even finer sand, I feel as though I’m being still gently taught a lesson. That even though it’s hard (and oh man, is it hard right now), that I am incredibly blessed and cherished by our Lord. That this journey, as hard as it feels to navigate day-over-day, is still a gift from God.
I need to hold that pearl close, that nugget of a thought: that even though it’s hard, that hard is the gift in and of itself. Jesus said, take up your cross and follow Me; he didn’t pretend it was going to be easy.
We all want our cup to overflow with the things that bring us joy. My cup overflowed in every imaginable way last week when I had the privilege and the fun to bake a few hundred cupcakes for families and children. I didn’t need to see their faces as they took them home; the making of the tasty treats, the privilege to pray quietly as each sweet was baked and decorated, the joy of doing something that brings others a smile, was enough to lift me up for days. Even now, the memory of making new friends in the kitchen, of being busy and fulfilled, makes me buoyant as I type all of this.
My cup was blessedly filled again when I had the tremendous blessing to attend something our parish calls ‘Encounter’, which is an hour of Adoration and Benediction, but punctuated and lifted up by the beautiful music of our tremendously talented choir; and then that is followed by an opportunity to be prayed over and prayed with by a team of individuals who seem to have a direct pipeline to our Lord. Who saw me and my aching hands (my hands hurt with pain from the centre of the palms when the Holy Spirit is near, it’s a little… odd and scary for me), but they saw my hurting hands, and without knowing how much my hands were hurting, they said they saw doves landing on my hands and then flying away free.
And these memories, I need to hold them and cherish them, because right alongside each one of these wonderful experiences, I am navigating stress and tension and worry and anxiety and panic attacks while navigating toxic and hateful people who are very actively working to hurt my children and I.
And it’s hard to remember that God calls us to be meek, to be poor, to be humble… when you’re worried about paying your mortgage or rent, when you’re not sure how many months you have to stay housed and secure, when your children have needs that you can’t really afford and so your hands shake with worry as you pass over your bank card, when every week you see your credit card statement and nervously pay it and watch your savings dwindling ever smaller and you pray and you pray and you pray for a bump in your salary, or just to stretch those dollars as Jesus did the bread and the loaves, and you pray some more and nod and smile through meetings when your boss postpones your annual review – which was missed the previous year as well – but because you don’t wish to make waves or really let on just how worried you are, you smile and you smile and then you pray. You try to nod and smile at your attorney as he asks you to write letters that are really hard and make you question your morals and your sense of who you are. You try to take a deep breath when you’re given a laundry list of things you have to do, no options out, and you have no means by which to accomplish them except to ask for help from anyone and everyone.
And it’s hard to remember that you’re not alone in this.
I. am. not. alone.
I have Him. and He has made sure there are helpers. and He has given me a surrogate family who see me and understand when I’m too frazzled to manage being polite. When my voice is flat and my hair is stringy and my face is breaking out from stress and anxiety. He has put the pieces in place so that, like a game, I can find the knowledge, the wisdom, the help I need to accomplish what’s being asked of me right now. He is there. He is HERE. I know He is with me.
It’s still hard. But the Journey is the gift.
So my cup spilleth over. And it’s hard right now.
Please pray for me. And I will pray for you.
Heavenly Father, maker of all that is good and right and just;
I thank You for this day, I thank you for the sunrise and the sunset;
I thank You for my health and my children;
I thank You for the roof over my head and the nourishment of my family and myself;
I thank You for the moments of calm and peace;
I thank You for letting me know You are ever near;
I thank You for the helpers you have given to me and I pray for the wisdom and the humility to find them and to ask for their help and guidance;
I thank You for the journey that I am on.
Please Lord, in your wisdom and grace, please grant us peace; please fill our hearts with love and understanding; please help us find and recognize You in our breath on this day and always; please grant us the gifts to share with others the joy of your presence; please help us to find patience and fortitude and strength as we all navigate our personal journeys which You have willed.
Amen.