So … true story; As I was logging into work this morning, wanting some background music to keep me focused on a detailed project, I popped up YouTube. While, I follow ‘Ascension Presents‘ and ‘Father Mike Schmitz’ they’re not usually right at the top of my YouTube Feed. Today, this video was.

Now… this was hard for me. I don’t know why I clicked on it, or why, instead of getting my work done, I’m pausing to write a response/reply and reflection.

I’m going to roll this back a little to add some context. If you’ve read any of my murmurings up until now, you know I’m a recently baptized Catholic and a single mom who is separated and trying to divorce her ex husband. I’ve eluded to the darkness I lived in up until I finally had the courage to leave my husband. And so, this is why I’m wanting to reply here.

As someone who is coming to understand the level to which I was controlled, manipulated, gaslit and abused over the course of nearly two decades; as someone who was very ready to walk away from life on several occasions – I want to focus on what Father Schmitz says here.

The ‘You Matter’ argument.

I truly believe that God sought me out in my darkest moments because I was actively being made to realize I did not matter, that I was worthless. The hardest words for me to hear from someone who a friend or someone who cares for me is that I am loved… it’s a complete mind bend for me to accept and understand unconditional love.

I know what it is to love. I know what it is to love unconditionally my two boys. So, the idea that I matter and that God is there and he truly loves is a concept that I can understand, but is so – so – so hard to accept. It’s a scary, frightening chasm of understanding to reach when you have been made to feel less-than for a very long time.

To matter. This is what an abuser strips from his victims – mattering. Even within the Church, an abuser takes that away.

So – why did I convert? I was not Catholic, not even Christian. It’s as Father Schmitz says here – something in the very core of my being was seeking. God was there, waiting for me to open my eyes and understand that He had been with me all along; the voice in my head that would talk me out of disappearing into the mountains to disappear myself.

I needed to matter somewhere, or I needed to walk away from this life. I had reached a point where I believed I was so worthless that it would be better for my boys and my husband if I wasn’t around to keep disappointing them, to keep making mistakes, to be the reason for all the things that were wrong in this world.

The catalyst that opened my eyes was my own son; who at three years old, during a raucous ending celebration to a Vacation Bible School, turned away from the party, walked up to me and said calmly “If you ask, He will forgive you.” Soon after, I started reaching out at the Catholic school my older son was attending to learn more, eventually joining a small group faith study, learning how to pray, learning how to open myself up in Mass (and note, it was with no small amount of skepticism on my part – I had not had many positive experiences with Catholics or devout Christians up until finding my parish community).

I’m learning how much I do matter. Because there is a purpose for me in this world. Real acceptance of that is very challenging to truly reach my heart.

You know… as I write this, I’m sweating – rivulets down my sides; I’m crying – and my mascara is running all over the place; I’m shaking and scared… and I find it hard to breathe because I’m writing this for others to see. Because I’m putting out there thoughts I wouldn’t admit even to myself a few years ago. Because someone else out there is like I once was… told they are worthless, told they are the reason for everyone else’s sadness or pain or challenges in life.

And it’s not true. If you are like me, and are reading this, God truly does love you, and you truly do matter, and you truly do have a purpose and a voice and are needed.

Thank you Father Schmitz for putting this video out there. I want to say to you, thank you, but also please be very aware that if someone hears that and is where I was once, this argument can very easily go the other way.

Love to you all and God Bless you.