As I navigate our legal system, seeking safety and distance from that person who harmed me I am continuously reminded all that I’m not – I’m “not” the “perfect” victim. I don’t think anyone ever could be.

Yesterday, again, my ex flaunted the terms of his release conditions that stipulate he isn’t to be where I am; where the children are. Yet, while I stood there dropping my son off at school and supervising on the playground until more adults arrived, my ex pulled in driving someone else’s kids (this is the man who, in court, swore he would never drive his own children to school because it was too taxing on his work schedule); he then stayed there – within 100 feet of me, waving and smiling and trying to get my son to come over to him.

I called and reported. There’s nothing to be done, of course, other than to document. What was most striking about the response I received from the police was that it was suggested that *I* should vary my drop off routine of my son so my ex can continue his behaviour unimpeded.

In a few months all the conditions will expire and be removed. I will have no pieces of paper to protect me or my children from his coming around. I’ve had a year and a half of privacy to recover and to shore up my resources. To build a new life in a new home and to try to figure out how to stand on my own (because he sure as heck isn’t paying his court ordered child support).

But every time I meet with the officials that have the ability to extend protection, I’m told how it violates his rights for me to be safe. How I need to vary my routines and live a more restricted life so that he can exercise the full freedoms he deserves. How having had a protection order restricting his ability to come close to me or the places I work, worship at, study at, or frequent was a grossly unfair violation of his rights.

So what about my rights? What level of victim do I need to be before my own rights get to be heard and exercised in perpetuity? I was told that for many women, “justice” is really only served after they’ve been physically harmed to the point of death.

While you can’t restrict a person’s movements based on what they “might” do in the future, by looking at their past shouldn’t it be safe to say that a modicum of protection orders that survive more than a year is a good way to keep both parties apart? When dealing with an angry and controlling person who views his victim as his property, why does it not make sense to continue to protect the victim?

And that’s just the official line… the rest of the world also wants to move on, look a way and avert their eyes. People are so quick to judge the behaviour of the person who was victimized. If you’re not behaving just right, then you’re not worthy of care or empathy. If I wear running tights when dropping off my son at school (because I’m going running), I’m judged as being too … too something. Another woman I know of, a victim of physical and emotional abuse has fewer protections from her ex than I managed to secure for myself, and so he comes to her front door and demands hugs from her in full line of sight of the apartment building across the street. Well. You can only imagine the tongue wagging a simple hug can cause – clearly we should judge *her* the victim and view her with suspicion without rather wondering at the circumstances by which a hug might have been exchanged. Did he threaten her? Did he apologize and come in tears seeking sympathy?

I remember giving my ex a hug after we had separated. It was the day he kicked the family cat down the stairs, killing it by breaking its neck. Not having witnessed the action I didn’t know (at the time) why the cat was having a seizure – I was frantically trying to get it to the vet before it died and turned to find my ex steps from me with crocodile tears in his eyes wondering aloud in a pitiful voice “why this was happening to him?” I attempted a gentle hug – it was like hugging a statue; and as I drove a way risking a speeding ticket to get the cat to the vet – only then did it feel like he was gloating. He’d won, somehow, in his ploy for pity. If others had known I had softened enough to try to offer some comfort (again, not yet realizing why the cat was in this condition), how would they have judged me for that?

I’ve heard countless times that because I don’t file a police report every.single.time my ex texts my sons, then clearly I must be tacitly approving of the practice and so the courts will support his freedom of communication with the boys. I’m once again, not the “perfect” victim.

So, what does it take for a woman to gain the full sympathy of the world for what’s been done to her person? her mind? her body?

I suspect my mother would tell me, absolutely nothing. There is nothing that can be done. When my biologic father assaulted my mother and attempted to kidnap me – he served a bit of jail time. He was ordered to pay child support (he never did). My mother – who, to this day, is the strongest person I will EVER know – bundled me up, changed my name, and we moved. Justice certainly didn’t serve her in the 80s.

My own experience with an abuser was limited to “only” emotional abuse and rape. He would rather hit himself and punch holes in the walls to get me to comply with whatever demands he had. So, because of my status as a ‘lesser’ victim, I deserve less support too…but he needs all of the freedom.

He has a new paramour now. Part of me is extremely glad, feeling that it takes his hyperfocus off of me. Part of me is sad and worried for her – how many months will it be before he starts to turn off the charm and turn up the demands on her? Then there’s the part of me that questions my own reality, because if another woman can “fall” for my wealthy, charming ex – then what was wrong with me?

What is a perfect victim? The truth is, it’s the system and the society that fails those who are victims.